dreamchasingcat (dreamchasingcat) wrote,

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the absurdity of a single heart of mine

It felt like my eyes were just shut for a couple of minutes when I faintly heard my voice, singing one verse of Do As Infinity's [Be Free]. It was a call from a friend who frequently does some extreme stuffs with me, then (yes, I record my own voice and use some of them as my cellphone's ringtone and I classify people according to which song resembles what she/he does when we're together). So early... *sigh* When I just decided to get some sleep right after I stayed awake till dawn doing needless thing(s)... *more sighs*
It was Saras, a close junior of mine, asking whether I'd finished my proposal or not to meet our professor that day. Such a rhetoric question. I hadn't, of course. And she hadn't as well, of course. *rolls eyes* She didn't have to call me so early in the morning just to confirm that, for heaven's sake. We're THIS close, even my drowsy brain had known from the second she brought it up that she just wanted to convince herself she had a comrade. She also told me few other things later on, but I didn't even try to remember them. *gets really impatient when half-awake*

I noticed that there was a new text message icon on my standby screen when Saras hung her call. It came shortly before she called, but apparently I was dozing like bull I didn't hear its alert. My eyes got widely opened when I checked from whom it was. o_O WTF?! It was the last guy I fell for (and it was like, almost two years ago already), typing only Lina without even a period or a comma or a dash or a semicolon or anything else. Damn! Why the heck he always untimely contacting me just to ask the most random questions or such ever since I told him that I MIGHT had fell for him? We DID use to be quite close when he hadn't know about my feelings, but our friendship has been dying since then. I even think that I was so stupid to fall for him in the first place. Mere proof of the so-called "conditioned environment" (it's another story), I assume—or maybe it was only an unconscious attempt to repent my previous cruelty towards a guy who had similar patterns of reliance on me (yet another story), it's just that the karma got me this time. I myself would be at loss to explain why did I once like this guy (I mean, was I even thinking? Nah, I guess not! -_-').
However, now that I've moved on (with Fuji-kun XDD), this kinda thing makes me slightly uneasy. Should I ask him why did he text me at 5:50 a.m.? Would it make him think that I still like him "that way", I couldn't stand the urge to reply right away? Like hell yeah! But God, one thing I couldn't stand was my own ego to know that he DID desperately need me! XD And in short, our conversation went rather simple after all. After asking "How are you?" he said he was told by one of our friends that I had a problem with my thesis. I said they should mind their own business (coz like, both of them have graduated for quite long and still jobless), but then I realized how frail these guys nowadays, so I sent my "Sorry if I was too sharp," and asked "How are you?" back right after that. Blah, blah, blah. I wished him success, and he did the same for me. Plain decent courtesy and all—in other words, he just missed me. XD

Well, if it was the only case, I wouldn't end up being absorbed in my long-lost displacement activity (cleanings!) afterwards—I spent at least two hours to consecutively make the bed, sweep and mop the floor, wipe the windows, wash the dishes and the clothes, change the water in the tub and Holiday (my Siamese fighting fish)'s bottle, etc (I even took a bath! XD). And it was all because I've just realized how unstable one's heart could be. Two years ago, I could cry for this pessimist who often made me listen to his stories; but now I'm head over heels for that reassuring optimist who doesn't even know me (a.k.a. Fuji-kun). It's way too absurd. The last time I got this ecstatic for some idol was back in junior high (oh, how I really loved Bob Moffatt back then! XD). But Bob didn't make me believe I should live the way of life that I love like Fuji-kun does; that if I always sing with all my might then I can perform my own music one day, that I must try my best to reach my dreams no matter how unlikely they are now, that there are people and places still waiting for me to meet and visit them. Damn, it'd be too painful if I'll never be able to do those things. DX Is this feeling even real? Maybe it'd be better off for me if I never read any of his lyrics and being carried away this far, so I don't have to reconsider my whole dull life and just turn into a full-fledged adult member of the society already. ;_;
But two years has passed since the last time I vainly shed my tears from a broken heart and my life has been alright, I even kinda glad that I didn't make it. Now I have high aspirations on my life and dare to dream of what I really want to do, much thanks to Fuji-kun's songs. They make me realized that there are still so many ways I can choose even from this point on and that there are still so many precious things I have as my own treasures. I so want to meet Fuji-kun one day to say in person that I'll always thank him for all wonderful stories he shares through his music coz they really mean something to me! Will I make this only dream come true someday? It's a wonder to feel that you're connected in a way with someone whom you've never even met before, right? Ah, I wonder if these overwhelming feelings will eventually end just like all of my past infatuations... ;_;
Tags: contemplation
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